In and after the adolescent psychiatric center

Well as I mentioned here earlier, I was hospitalized in an adolescent psychiatric center. On free will you'll notice. So it wasn't that bad, not bad at all actually, but I think I would have complained more if I had been forced to be there. Since I was there on my own free will, I could go out almost whenever I wanted. Not that that was so often, but I think just to know that you can is important, at least to me. I didn't feel like I was held prisoner or captured in any way. The only really annoying thing was that everyone who worked there came in to me a bit too often. I'm not much of a people person, specially not when I'm low down or tired. Then I'm just interested in talking to a small number of people, which is really just one-two of my closest friend. Besides I've never been very in to psychiatrists or anyone who works like that, even though I want to work like that myself. I guess hate can be very close to love sometimes. Or unwanted things, close to wanted things. It feels like you always want what you can't have, and then you don't want to have it since you can't get it.

The thing about UPS; the adolescent psychiatric center, was that I didn't get the help I needed. And in the end it turned out pointless. I needed help with sleep, self harm, suicide thoughts, eating, and anxiety. Mostly sleeping and anxiety.

When I get these anxiety attacks it feels like my whole body gets paralyzed. I can barely move, because I feel so afraid, and I am so afraid that if I do anything at all something bad will happen. I get really silent too, because as well as I am afraid to move, I am afraid to make noise too, but my tears come uncontrollably.
I'm just a very paralyzed, silent, and crying a lot.
      When this happened at UPS I was told to go out in the living room and tell one of the psychiatric nurses who worked there. I didn't do it the first times, but after a while I did. Because I figured out that if I was really going to get help, I had to let them know, and let them try to help. So I went out, but they just took me back to my room and said that ''There is nothing to me afraid of'' and then they left. I only went to them to get help for my anxiety three times, because I just figured out that there was no use. I just got more scared when I went out of my room, and I didn't get any help for it at all.

 The sleeping I said I needed help with, nada. 


I didn't get any medicines, or strategies. The only thing was that I went to bed at the same time every night, but that's what I do at home too. Obviously that didn't help, and if it did it had been easier to just do it at home.  So I still struggle with anxiety and sleep. Even though they claim to be experts.

Two positive things there was that I ate regularly about 4 times  a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner, and evening food. I also went to school at the hospital every day, and I got good grades on everything I did there.  Mostly because I liked the one teacher I had there, there was no people that annoyed me there, and I got encouraged a lot. I was never told I was bad, or that I should have done better, and they had really good patience with me. I need time, but since I used time I also got good grades on the things I did.
   Just too bad that teacher isn't my teacher anymore, and that the ''real'' school I am going to now sucks and that I hate almost everyone, especially the teachers. Since I hate my teachers, I really get no motivation for doing good. I know I'm not doing the work for them, but I always do best when I am going to show it to someone. Someone I like, or respect. I think everyone has it like that, or something close to it.

I also noticed a lot different there because I wasn't with my parents, they didn't visit me there, and I didn't visit them. Not more than once. That was good. Its horrible to say it but it felt better without them. I'm not saying I want them to die or anything, just that they are experts on ruining my motivation to anything and getting my self esteem down. I felt that I had it better inside when they weren't nagging about how ugly I am, or how useless I am. I think that I can get a closer relationship with my parents if I move away from them, because then instead of only telling negative things and fighting, we cold appreciate the time we had together.

I don't really know what will happen now, but I want to continue going to school and finish the year out, I know its going to be hard for me. I can't even count how many times I've really wanted to quit.  

Anyway, a little bonus fact; Since last time I blogged I've got both angelbite and a septum :)