I've only gone on this school for like six months, and I'm already driven crazy. I have tried to switch school but it didn't work. I don't want to quit school, because it looks bad on the paper + then everything I've done until now will be pointless. There were only two subjects I didn't get grades on, and that was physical activity and science. I guess it could been worse. I got a couple of 5 and 4's. And to my surprise one 6. We have a system where 1 is like nothing and 6 is the best. so I'm pretty happy with 4-6's, but then again I only got 2 in math. I suck at math.
On the hospital school there was a teacher who teach me really well. She made me understand math, she sat with me while I calculated and she made color and she drew smiley faces all over my book when I had answered right and stuff. But of course I don't have her anymore and my now being math and science teacher is really to busy to make me understand. So when I don't understand something she just ignores it and when we move on to the next subject.. I'm just all lost.
Thats not the biggest problem though, I hate all the teachers mostly. I don't get along with my other classmates neither. Not that I want to, I just want to go home as fast as possible.
Most of my teachers are Christians, not that I have anything against christians or Christianity really, people should get to believe in what they want as long as it doesn't hurt others.
But they tell all these stories about the bible and how their prayers were answered, and I'm getting really pissed. I'm not going on a christian school, we don't even have Christianity as a subject, but it sure as hell feels like it.
And most of them are really over happy, and what freaks me the most out is when my main teacher comes and hug me from behind and just whisper in my ear, or even says loudly ''Its so good to see you!'' ''Its so nice have you here'' but then in fact I just want to go home, and I dislike her a lot.
Many of my teachers are also friends so when one goes out the other one starts to say a lot of posetive things about the other, which is great. just that it isnt true. Its like ''All these 20 years she has been a teacher no one has ever disliked her''. Im just sitting there wanting to yell out ''yea sure, until now'' but no I couldn't do that.
The whole fucking school annoys me.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Saturday, December 8, 2012
In and after the adolescent psychiatric center
Well as I mentioned here earlier, I was hospitalized in an adolescent psychiatric center. On free will you'll notice. So it wasn't that bad, not bad at all actually, but I think I would have complained more if I had been forced to be there. Since I was there on my own free will, I could go out almost whenever I wanted. Not that that was so often, but I think just to know that you can is important, at least to me. I didn't feel like I was held prisoner or captured in any way. The only really annoying thing was that everyone who worked there came in to me a bit too often. I'm not much of a people person, specially not when I'm low down or tired. Then I'm just interested in talking to a small number of people, which is really just one-two of my closest friend. Besides I've never been very in to psychiatrists or anyone who works like that, even though I want to work like that myself. I guess hate can be very close to love sometimes. Or unwanted things, close to wanted things. It feels like you always want what you can't have, and then you don't want to have it since you can't get it.
The thing about UPS; the adolescent psychiatric center, was that I didn't get the help I needed. And in the end it turned out pointless. I needed help with sleep, self harm, suicide thoughts, eating, and anxiety. Mostly sleeping and anxiety.
When I get these anxiety attacks it feels like my whole body gets paralyzed. I can barely move, because I feel so afraid, and I am so afraid that if I do anything at all something bad will happen. I get really silent too, because as well as I am afraid to move, I am afraid to make noise too, but my tears come uncontrollably.
I'm just a very paralyzed, silent, and crying a lot.
When this happened at UPS I was told to go out in the living room and tell one of the psychiatric nurses who worked there. I didn't do it the first times, but after a while I did. Because I figured out that if I was really going to get help, I had to let them know, and let them try to help. So I went out, but they just took me back to my room and said that ''There is nothing to me afraid of'' and then they left. I only went to them to get help for my anxiety three times, because I just figured out that there was no use. I just got more scared when I went out of my room, and I didn't get any help for it at all.
The sleeping I said I needed help with, nada.
I didn't get any medicines, or strategies. The only thing was that I went to bed at the same time every night, but that's what I do at home too. Obviously that didn't help, and if it did it had been easier to just do it at home. So I still struggle with anxiety and sleep. Even though they claim to be experts.
Two positive things there was that I ate regularly about 4 times a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner, and evening food. I also went to school at the hospital every day, and I got good grades on everything I did there. Mostly because I liked the one teacher I had there, there was no people that annoyed me there, and I got encouraged a lot. I was never told I was bad, or that I should have done better, and they had really good patience with me. I need time, but since I used time I also got good grades on the things I did.
Just too bad that teacher isn't my teacher anymore, and that the ''real'' school I am going to now sucks and that I hate almost everyone, especially the teachers. Since I hate my teachers, I really get no motivation for doing good. I know I'm not doing the work for them, but I always do best when I am going to show it to someone. Someone I like, or respect. I think everyone has it like that, or something close to it.
I also noticed a lot different there because I wasn't with my parents, they didn't visit me there, and I didn't visit them. Not more than once. That was good. Its horrible to say it but it felt better without them. I'm not saying I want them to die or anything, just that they are experts on ruining my motivation to anything and getting my self esteem down. I felt that I had it better inside when they weren't nagging about how ugly I am, or how useless I am. I think that I can get a closer relationship with my parents if I move away from them, because then instead of only telling negative things and fighting, we cold appreciate the time we had together.
I don't really know what will happen now, but I want to continue going to school and finish the year out, I know its going to be hard for me. I can't even count how many times I've really wanted to quit.
The thing about UPS; the adolescent psychiatric center, was that I didn't get the help I needed. And in the end it turned out pointless. I needed help with sleep, self harm, suicide thoughts, eating, and anxiety. Mostly sleeping and anxiety.
When I get these anxiety attacks it feels like my whole body gets paralyzed. I can barely move, because I feel so afraid, and I am so afraid that if I do anything at all something bad will happen. I get really silent too, because as well as I am afraid to move, I am afraid to make noise too, but my tears come uncontrollably.
I'm just a very paralyzed, silent, and crying a lot.
When this happened at UPS I was told to go out in the living room and tell one of the psychiatric nurses who worked there. I didn't do it the first times, but after a while I did. Because I figured out that if I was really going to get help, I had to let them know, and let them try to help. So I went out, but they just took me back to my room and said that ''There is nothing to me afraid of'' and then they left. I only went to them to get help for my anxiety three times, because I just figured out that there was no use. I just got more scared when I went out of my room, and I didn't get any help for it at all.
The sleeping I said I needed help with, nada.
I didn't get any medicines, or strategies. The only thing was that I went to bed at the same time every night, but that's what I do at home too. Obviously that didn't help, and if it did it had been easier to just do it at home. So I still struggle with anxiety and sleep. Even though they claim to be experts.
Two positive things there was that I ate regularly about 4 times a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner, and evening food. I also went to school at the hospital every day, and I got good grades on everything I did there. Mostly because I liked the one teacher I had there, there was no people that annoyed me there, and I got encouraged a lot. I was never told I was bad, or that I should have done better, and they had really good patience with me. I need time, but since I used time I also got good grades on the things I did.
Just too bad that teacher isn't my teacher anymore, and that the ''real'' school I am going to now sucks and that I hate almost everyone, especially the teachers. Since I hate my teachers, I really get no motivation for doing good. I know I'm not doing the work for them, but I always do best when I am going to show it to someone. Someone I like, or respect. I think everyone has it like that, or something close to it.
I also noticed a lot different there because I wasn't with my parents, they didn't visit me there, and I didn't visit them. Not more than once. That was good. Its horrible to say it but it felt better without them. I'm not saying I want them to die or anything, just that they are experts on ruining my motivation to anything and getting my self esteem down. I felt that I had it better inside when they weren't nagging about how ugly I am, or how useless I am. I think that I can get a closer relationship with my parents if I move away from them, because then instead of only telling negative things and fighting, we cold appreciate the time we had together.
I don't really know what will happen now, but I want to continue going to school and finish the year out, I know its going to be hard for me. I can't even count how many times I've really wanted to quit.
 |
| Anyway, a little bonus fact; Since last time I blogged I've got both angelbite and a septum :) |
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
UPS ~
So today I'm a little bit nervous since I am going to a meeting to discuss the exact date that I'm going in to UPS, which is a youth center for people with mental disorders or struggles, like if you have problem sleeping, hallucinating, self harm, have an eating disorder etc.
I don't know how long I will be there, but hopefully not too long. I don't really know.
The only thing I really know is that I have to eat breakfast and dinner together with the others, but if it was a really big problem for me I didn't have to, but I don't think that will be a problem. I think that the only problem in a situation like that is that I don't know anyone and that is what makes me scared.
Anyway I also know that I am going to go to school on that place so I don't have to take anything over again or slow my education down, and I am going to talk to a psychiatrist two-four times a week, depens on what they think.
I will also get medication. I've tried a lot before but none of it has helped me as it should so hopefully they find the right medication for me.
After I've been there I am, the plan is that I am going to move for myself and not back home.
The psychiatrist I've had til now want me to move to a place, which is near my boyfriend. Not because of him of course but it is a small town and there are three blocks there with apartments where there also work other grown ups who can take a little more care of me.
So I'm not moving all for myself as I know, there will be someone watching a little bit over me and helping me with the medicine.
The bad thing is that I have already started on school, in a class I really like. The class I'm in now is really great and everyone is very kind there, therefore I'm a little afraid of moving to another school in case its less good there.
At least I get a date today on when, after what my mum think I will be going in there in less that two weeks ~
I don't know how long I will be there, but hopefully not too long. I don't really know.
The only thing I really know is that I have to eat breakfast and dinner together with the others, but if it was a really big problem for me I didn't have to, but I don't think that will be a problem. I think that the only problem in a situation like that is that I don't know anyone and that is what makes me scared.
Anyway I also know that I am going to go to school on that place so I don't have to take anything over again or slow my education down, and I am going to talk to a psychiatrist two-four times a week, depens on what they think.
I will also get medication. I've tried a lot before but none of it has helped me as it should so hopefully they find the right medication for me.
After I've been there I am, the plan is that I am going to move for myself and not back home.
The psychiatrist I've had til now want me to move to a place, which is near my boyfriend. Not because of him of course but it is a small town and there are three blocks there with apartments where there also work other grown ups who can take a little more care of me.
So I'm not moving all for myself as I know, there will be someone watching a little bit over me and helping me with the medicine.
The bad thing is that I have already started on school, in a class I really like. The class I'm in now is really great and everyone is very kind there, therefore I'm a little afraid of moving to another school in case its less good there.
At least I get a date today on when, after what my mum think I will be going in there in less that two weeks ~
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Proud~
This post is to my boyfriend, not just because he is my boyfriend. I actually did write him a text like this a while back when we were just friends. So now I'm going to do it again, just a bit more emotional.
I am very proud of you, not only because you seem to keep up with me, but because to me you seem like a very strong person emotionally.
I know you suffer with depression, have problem sleeping and eat way to little, but you make it through the day without complaining and you go to your work and do your job.
You take as good care of your son as you possibly can, that is something I find very attractive and safe about you. Because you are not, obviously, together with your son's mother, but still you try to see him as much as you can, and you try to give him as much money and love as you can. The love you can show seem to me to have no limits.
I'm not trying to say that you are flawless, I'm not gonna lie. You as everyone else has something , we all have some issues. What is so great is that we can sit down and talk about it if it becomes a problem.
I'm not saying that you are the only guy who would take care for his son, but I'm sure some guys wouldn't if they didn't get to see their child so much, when they have no other contact with the mother. Some would maybe not care that much at all, or try to forget, but you faced the problem from the start and you really do care for him now.
That's something I look up to you for, and perhaps envy you for. I really adore the love you show toward your kid, and the look in your eyes when you talk about him. It's like I can see the love in your eyes.
I know you have been afraid that it will be a problem in our relationship, but he will be a part of your life until you die, which means that if I myself at all want our relationship to work I just have to bite my lip and let you love him just as much, or maybe (hopefully?) more than me. And that my dear, I intend to do.
I really want you to know that it won't ruin or bother our relationship in anyway, rather will make it even better and stronger.
I want you to spend as much time with him with him as possible, even though it means I get a less time with you, it will be worth it.
I am not saying that to be kind, I am saying that to be honest.
You give me a safety feeling I haven't felt before. I am not afraid of losing you in the same way I have been to lose others before. We can discuss anything, and fight, but I can always trust you and there seem to be no need for me to have these anxiety feeling of losing you, as I may have because of other experiences, because you show me over and over why I can trust you, and you show me love, and that you care for me.
I don't like to fight, but when we do, it never last long and it always end in laughter.
I really appreciate it, and I hope that it can last
I am very proud of you, not only because you seem to keep up with me, but because to me you seem like a very strong person emotionally.
I know you suffer with depression, have problem sleeping and eat way to little, but you make it through the day without complaining and you go to your work and do your job.
You take as good care of your son as you possibly can, that is something I find very attractive and safe about you. Because you are not, obviously, together with your son's mother, but still you try to see him as much as you can, and you try to give him as much money and love as you can. The love you can show seem to me to have no limits.
I'm not trying to say that you are flawless, I'm not gonna lie. You as everyone else has something , we all have some issues. What is so great is that we can sit down and talk about it if it becomes a problem.
I'm not saying that you are the only guy who would take care for his son, but I'm sure some guys wouldn't if they didn't get to see their child so much, when they have no other contact with the mother. Some would maybe not care that much at all, or try to forget, but you faced the problem from the start and you really do care for him now.
That's something I look up to you for, and perhaps envy you for. I really adore the love you show toward your kid, and the look in your eyes when you talk about him. It's like I can see the love in your eyes.
I know you have been afraid that it will be a problem in our relationship, but he will be a part of your life until you die, which means that if I myself at all want our relationship to work I just have to bite my lip and let you love him just as much, or maybe (hopefully?) more than me. And that my dear, I intend to do.
I really want you to know that it won't ruin or bother our relationship in anyway, rather will make it even better and stronger.
I want you to spend as much time with him with him as possible, even though it means I get a less time with you, it will be worth it.
I am not saying that to be kind, I am saying that to be honest.
You give me a safety feeling I haven't felt before. I am not afraid of losing you in the same way I have been to lose others before. We can discuss anything, and fight, but I can always trust you and there seem to be no need for me to have these anxiety feeling of losing you, as I may have because of other experiences, because you show me over and over why I can trust you, and you show me love, and that you care for me.
I don't like to fight, but when we do, it never last long and it always end in laughter.
I really appreciate it, and I hope that it can last
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Fictional Characters
Yes, this is a bit away from what I usually blog about, but just now, at this very moment I felt for blogging about just this.
I have a pretty bad heartache now. I have had it for a little while now, and I'm pretty sure it'll last very much longer. Somehow I have found a way to cope with my heartache when its not on its worst.
I have fictional characters which I ship, and adore, who also inspire me.
The good thing with the characters I ship is that, its not only one show, its thousands of both shows and movies which I can watch to take my mind away when I can.
The dreams of celebrities you already know you will never get, is, for me at least, better than the longing after the one person who left you, hurt you, and who you just wish to come back to you every second of the day.
I know I don't seem very hurt, when I just replace him with some celebrities, but it has kind of been my only option, which I have taken without thinking much about it, and I have no regrets.
Its like every fandom you get into, you're sad, but its a happy kind of sad, and its so much better to just feel on that happy kind of sad feeling, than the heartache and longing.
I myself can't understand it when people say that ''that and that band saved my life'', I just can't understand that a band, or a celebrity, who you don't even know can SAVE you. I mean, then you can't be that low down, right?
I am not trying to imply that I have it worse than anybody else, cause I don't, and I won't say that those celebrities have saved my life, but they have definitely changed it, and made it a bit better, and without being there themselves, helped me a lot.
I have a pretty bad heartache now. I have had it for a little while now, and I'm pretty sure it'll last very much longer. Somehow I have found a way to cope with my heartache when its not on its worst.
I have fictional characters which I ship, and adore, who also inspire me.
The good thing with the characters I ship is that, its not only one show, its thousands of both shows and movies which I can watch to take my mind away when I can.
The dreams of celebrities you already know you will never get, is, for me at least, better than the longing after the one person who left you, hurt you, and who you just wish to come back to you every second of the day.
I know I don't seem very hurt, when I just replace him with some celebrities, but it has kind of been my only option, which I have taken without thinking much about it, and I have no regrets.
Its like every fandom you get into, you're sad, but its a happy kind of sad, and its so much better to just feel on that happy kind of sad feeling, than the heartache and longing.
I myself can't understand it when people say that ''that and that band saved my life'', I just can't understand that a band, or a celebrity, who you don't even know can SAVE you. I mean, then you can't be that low down, right?
I am not trying to imply that I have it worse than anybody else, cause I don't, and I won't say that those celebrities have saved my life, but they have definitely changed it, and made it a bit better, and without being there themselves, helped me a lot.
What didn't kill me, didn't make me stronger at all
It left a scar, and depressed thoughts
It left a scar, and depressed thoughts
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Self help books
My mom gave me this Self help book for anxiety, which she wanted me to read. I started to read it today, and I've read three chapters til now. She was saying things like ''When you have read this book you will be cured'' and ''Now it can't go other ways than up'' ''You can't fall down with a book like this'' ''This has to be what helps you through''. The thing is, that is is great that she is positive, instead of negative, it's just that I don't feel like I have to be cured. I just have to get to know my own mind, and know how to control it. When people in general says that I have to be cured it makes me feel like I'm possessed, or like I have cancer, which I don't. This is just how I turned out to be, which can be bad for me from time to time, but still. It is me, and how I am.
The thing is that I think I am beyond the point where Self help books, actually helps.
The thing is that I think I am beyond the point where Self help books, actually helps.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Suffer for beauty
The headmaster at my primary school once told me that ''You have to suffer for beauty''. I remember this very well, it was right after I had gotten my ears pierced and I was whining to myself about the pain. He also added ''You will learn more about that when you grow up'' as he left. This sentence has haunted me the last couple of years, but first now I managed to put some words on it.
This might not be what he meant when he said it to me, but it is what it became to me. Sadly, or glady he will never know that.
I find beauty in scars. Not just self harmed scars, but any scars. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to get them, or make more of them, but when they first have appeared on their skin... Why not just look at the beauty of them?
They signal a person battle, against themselves, against something unknown, or some sort of disease. You don't know where the scars comes from before you dig a little into the truth, and in to the person's life.
Some scars you thought was a disease might be self harmed, and some scars you thought was self harmed might have been an accident. You can never truly know that just by a look.
No matter the reason of the existence of the scars, you don't need to look down on them. They are nothing to be scared of, it's not a battle anyone have lost. It is a persons right to tell you where that or that scar comes from, even to tell you than ''I am the one who inflicted these scars''.
I can be honest and tell that I think anyone should be proud of their scars, but yet I think there is a fine line between cuts, ( I am talking about self harming here ) - and scars.
I don't really think you should go around showing your cuts, or anything like that. Because that can look really bad, and in my personal case I find cuts really personal, almost like something that needs to be censored . Scars on the other hand shows more a battle that is over at the moment, which you can be able to be proud of.
You don't need to be proud of your scars, no matter where they comes from. I'm just saying that there shouldn't be any reason for anyone at all, to be ashamed of their scars.
(http://gotgutsgetglory.tumblr.com/post/26328454769)
This might not be what he meant when he said it to me, but it is what it became to me. Sadly, or glady he will never know that.
I find beauty in scars. Not just self harmed scars, but any scars. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to get them, or make more of them, but when they first have appeared on their skin... Why not just look at the beauty of them?
They signal a person battle, against themselves, against something unknown, or some sort of disease. You don't know where the scars comes from before you dig a little into the truth, and in to the person's life.
Some scars you thought was a disease might be self harmed, and some scars you thought was self harmed might have been an accident. You can never truly know that just by a look.
No matter the reason of the existence of the scars, you don't need to look down on them. They are nothing to be scared of, it's not a battle anyone have lost. It is a persons right to tell you where that or that scar comes from, even to tell you than ''I am the one who inflicted these scars''.
I can be honest and tell that I think anyone should be proud of their scars, but yet I think there is a fine line between cuts, ( I am talking about self harming here ) - and scars.
I don't really think you should go around showing your cuts, or anything like that. Because that can look really bad, and in my personal case I find cuts really personal, almost like something that needs to be censored . Scars on the other hand shows more a battle that is over at the moment, which you can be able to be proud of.
You don't need to be proud of your scars, no matter where they comes from. I'm just saying that there shouldn't be any reason for anyone at all, to be ashamed of their scars.
(http://gotgutsgetglory.tumblr.com/post/26328454769)
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