In and after the adolescent psychiatric center

Well as I mentioned here earlier, I was hospitalized in an adolescent psychiatric center. On free will you'll notice. So it wasn't that bad, not bad at all actually, but I think I would have complained more if I had been forced to be there. Since I was there on my own free will, I could go out almost whenever I wanted. Not that that was so often, but I think just to know that you can is important, at least to me. I didn't feel like I was held prisoner or captured in any way. The only really annoying thing was that everyone who worked there came in to me a bit too often. I'm not much of a people person, specially not when I'm low down or tired. Then I'm just interested in talking to a small number of people, which is really just one-two of my closest friend. Besides I've never been very in to psychiatrists or anyone who works like that, even though I want to work like that myself. I guess hate can be very close to love sometimes. Or unwanted things, close to wanted things. It feels like you always want what you can't have, and then you don't want to have it since you can't get it.

The thing about UPS; the adolescent psychiatric center, was that I didn't get the help I needed. And in the end it turned out pointless. I needed help with sleep, self harm, suicide thoughts, eating, and anxiety. Mostly sleeping and anxiety.

When I get these anxiety attacks it feels like my whole body gets paralyzed. I can barely move, because I feel so afraid, and I am so afraid that if I do anything at all something bad will happen. I get really silent too, because as well as I am afraid to move, I am afraid to make noise too, but my tears come uncontrollably.
I'm just a very paralyzed, silent, and crying a lot.
      When this happened at UPS I was told to go out in the living room and tell one of the psychiatric nurses who worked there. I didn't do it the first times, but after a while I did. Because I figured out that if I was really going to get help, I had to let them know, and let them try to help. So I went out, but they just took me back to my room and said that ''There is nothing to me afraid of'' and then they left. I only went to them to get help for my anxiety three times, because I just figured out that there was no use. I just got more scared when I went out of my room, and I didn't get any help for it at all.

 The sleeping I said I needed help with, nada. 


I didn't get any medicines, or strategies. The only thing was that I went to bed at the same time every night, but that's what I do at home too. Obviously that didn't help, and if it did it had been easier to just do it at home.  So I still struggle with anxiety and sleep. Even though they claim to be experts.

Two positive things there was that I ate regularly about 4 times  a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner, and evening food. I also went to school at the hospital every day, and I got good grades on everything I did there.  Mostly because I liked the one teacher I had there, there was no people that annoyed me there, and I got encouraged a lot. I was never told I was bad, or that I should have done better, and they had really good patience with me. I need time, but since I used time I also got good grades on the things I did.
   Just too bad that teacher isn't my teacher anymore, and that the ''real'' school I am going to now sucks and that I hate almost everyone, especially the teachers. Since I hate my teachers, I really get no motivation for doing good. I know I'm not doing the work for them, but I always do best when I am going to show it to someone. Someone I like, or respect. I think everyone has it like that, or something close to it.

I also noticed a lot different there because I wasn't with my parents, they didn't visit me there, and I didn't visit them. Not more than once. That was good. Its horrible to say it but it felt better without them. I'm not saying I want them to die or anything, just that they are experts on ruining my motivation to anything and getting my self esteem down. I felt that I had it better inside when they weren't nagging about how ugly I am, or how useless I am. I think that I can get a closer relationship with my parents if I move away from them, because then instead of only telling negative things and fighting, we cold appreciate the time we had together.

I don't really know what will happen now, but I want to continue going to school and finish the year out, I know its going to be hard for me. I can't even count how many times I've really wanted to quit.  

Anyway, a little bonus fact; Since last time I blogged I've got both angelbite and a septum :)  

UPS ~

So today I'm a little bit nervous since I am going to a meeting to discuss the exact date that I'm going in to UPS, which is a youth center for people with mental disorders or struggles, like if you have problem sleeping, hallucinating, self harm, have an eating disorder etc.

I don't know how long I will be there, but hopefully not too long. I don't really know.
The only thing I really know is that I have to eat breakfast and dinner together with the others, but if it was a really big problem for me I didn't have to, but I don't think that will be a problem. I think that the only problem in a situation like that is that I don't know anyone and that is what makes me scared.
Anyway I also know that I am going to go to school on that place so I don't have to take anything over again or slow my education down, and I am going to talk to a psychiatrist two-four times a week, depens on what they think.

I will also get medication. I've tried a lot before but none of it has helped me as it should so hopefully they find the right medication for me.

After I've been there I am, the plan is that I am going to move for myself and not back home.
The psychiatrist I've had til now want me to move to a place, which is near my boyfriend. Not because of him of course but it is a small town and there are three blocks there with apartments where there also work other grown ups who can take a little more care of me.
So I'm not moving all for myself as I know, there will be someone watching a little bit over me and helping me with the medicine. 

The bad thing is that I have already started on school, in a class I really like. The class I'm in now is really great and everyone is very kind there, therefore I'm a little afraid of moving to another school in case its less good there.

At least I get a date today on when, after what my mum think I will be going in there in less that two weeks ~

Proud~

This post is to my boyfriend, not just because he is my boyfriend. I actually did write him a text like this a while back when we were just friends. So now I'm going to do it again, just a bit more emotional.

I am very proud of you, not only because you seem to keep up with me, but because to me you seem like a very strong person emotionally.
I know you suffer with depression, have problem sleeping and eat way to little, but you make it through the day without complaining and you go to your work and do your job.

You take as good care of your son as you possibly can, that is something I find very attractive and safe about you. Because you are not, obviously, together with your son's mother, but still you try to see him as much as you can, and you try to give him as much money and love as you can. The love you can show seem to me to have no limits.

I'm not trying to say that you are flawless, I'm not gonna lie. You as everyone else has something , we all have some issues. What is so great is that we can sit down and talk about it if it becomes a problem. 

I'm not saying that you are the only guy who would take care for his son, but I'm sure some guys wouldn't if they didn't get to see their child so much, when they have no other contact with the mother. Some would maybe not care that much at all, or try to forget, but you faced the problem from the start and you really do care for him now.
That's something I look up to you for, and perhaps envy you for. I really adore the love you show toward your kid, and the look in your eyes when you talk about him. It's like I can see the love in your eyes.

I know you have been afraid that it will be a problem in our relationship, but he will be a part of your life until you die, which means that if I myself at all want our relationship to work I just have to bite my lip and let you love him just as much, or maybe (hopefully?) more than me. And that my dear, I intend to do.
I really want you to know that it won't ruin or bother our relationship in anyway, rather will make it even better and stronger.
I want you to spend as much time with him with him as possible, even though it means I get a less time with you, it will be worth it.

I am not saying that to be kind, I am saying that to be honest.

You give me a safety feeling I haven't felt before. I am not afraid of losing you in the same way I have been to lose others before. We can discuss anything, and fight, but I can always trust you and there seem to be no need for me to have these anxiety feeling of losing you, as I may have because of other experiences, because you show me over and over why I can trust you, and you show me love, and that you care for me.
I don't like to fight, but when we do, it never last long and it always end in laughter.

I really appreciate it, and I hope that it can last ♥

Fictional Characters

Yes, this is a bit away from what I usually blog about, but just now, at this very moment I felt for blogging about just this.
I have a pretty bad heartache now. I have had it for a little while now, and I'm pretty sure it'll last very much longer. Somehow I have found a way to cope with my heartache when its not on its worst.
I have fictional characters which I ship, and adore, who also inspire me.
The good thing with the characters I ship is that, its not only one show, its thousands of both shows and movies which I can watch to take my mind away when I can.

The dreams of celebrities you already know you will never get, is, for me at least, better than the longing after the one person who left you, hurt you, and who you just wish to come back to you every second of the day.

I know I don't seem very hurt, when I just replace him with some celebrities, but it has kind of been my only option, which I have taken without thinking much about it, and I have no regrets.

Its like every fandom you get into, you're sad, but its a happy kind of sad, and its so much better to just feel on that happy kind of sad feeling, than the heartache and longing.

I myself can't understand it when people say that ''that and that band saved my life'', I just can't understand that a band, or a celebrity, who you don't even know can SAVE you. I mean, then you can't be that low down, right?

I am not trying to imply that I have it worse than anybody else, cause I don't, and I won't say that those celebrities have saved my life, but they have definitely changed it, and made it a bit better, and without being there themselves, helped me a lot.

What didn't kill me, didn't make me stronger at all
It left a scar, and depressed thoughts

Self help books

My mom gave me this Self help book for anxiety, which she wanted me to read. I started to read it today, and I've read three chapters til now. She was saying things like ''When you have read this book you will be cured'' and ''Now it can't go other ways than up'' ''You can't fall down with a book like this'' ''This has to be what helps you through''. The thing is, that is is great that she is positive, instead of negative, it's just that I don't feel like I have to be cured. I just have to get to know my own mind, and know how to control it. When people in general says that I have to be cured it  makes me feel like I'm possessed, or like I have cancer, which I don't. This is just how I turned out to be, which can be bad for me from time to time, but still.  It is me, and how I am.

The thing is that I think I am beyond the point where Self help books, actually helps.

Suffer for beauty

The headmaster at my primary school once told me that ''You have to suffer for beauty''. I remember this very well, it was right after I had gotten my ears pierced and I was whining to myself about the pain. He also added ''You will learn more about that when you grow up'' as he left. This sentence has haunted me the last couple of years, but first now I managed to put some words on it.

This might not be what he meant when he said it to me, but it is what it became to me. Sadly, or glady he will never know that.

I find beauty in scars. Not just self harmed  scars, but any scars. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to get them, or make more of them, but when they first have appeared on their skin... Why not just look at the beauty of them?

They signal a person battle, against themselves, against something unknown, or some sort of disease. You don't know where the scars comes from before you dig a little into the truth, and in to the person's life.
Some scars you thought was a disease might be self harmed, and some scars you thought was self harmed might have been an accident.  You can never truly know that just by a look.

No matter the reason of the existence of the scars, you don't need to look down on them. They are nothing to be scared of, it's not a battle anyone have lost. It is a persons right to tell you where that or that scar comes from, even to tell you than ''I am the one who inflicted these scars''.

I can be honest and tell that I think anyone should be proud of their scars, but yet I think there is a fine line between cuts, ( I am talking about self harming here ) - and scars.
I don't really think you should go around showing your cuts, or anything like that. Because that can look really bad, and in my personal case I find cuts really personal, almost like something that needs to be censored . Scars on the other hand shows more a battle that is over at the moment, which you can be able to be proud of.

You don't need to be proud of your scars, no matter where they comes from. I'm just saying that there shouldn't be any reason for anyone at all, to be ashamed of their scars.


(http://gotgutsgetglory.tumblr.com/post/26328454769)

I want to be pretty

I've never felt pretty. I tried everything, and I am still trying out things which can make me feel a bit.. prettier?
When I met you it was love at first sigh, from my side at least.
Since I met you my love for you have just grown bigger and bigger each day, even now when it's completely over.
I made you in to a  savior, which was what you were to me,
But I guess you never really wanted such position, though you wore it so well.
You fit it perfectly.
You really did make me happy, and I have absolutely no explanation on why.

I kept the photographs of you close to me wherever I went, on my bedside or in my pocket, even in my cellphone, so I could feel that you were with me everyday when we weren't together.
I didn't know much then, that I soon was going to let my sanity drip away from me bit by bit.

I saw the girls you spoke to, so pretty -unlike me. They were perfect.
I'd say ''hi'' to you everyday, and ask how you were doing.
I though that was what a person needed. Caring. I didn't understand it could be too much.
And you would leave be unnoticed.

You didn't really care at all, did you?
You just let me create the fake illusion that you did.

You wanted perfection all along the road, and that was what I tried to give you, though I failed.
I accepted so much. I did so much for you.
I would set heaven and hell on fire for something you wanted.
But in the end you weren't what I thought at all, I realized all the broken promises and the lies you kept telling me.

You told me we had lost it all, and I sat left with the opposite feeling.
The feelings of that we still could have saved it, our relationship.
I felt we could go through fire and ice together. Move mountains.
But it was me that could move the mountains, not you.

I felt, and still feel that a part of me is gone. You were like a soulmate to me. My other half.

The Greeks believe that God cut the human in half's and that the two half's have to find each other.
I feel that you're my other half, and how are you supposed to function when you have met and lost your other half? I feel that my reason to live is gone.
I wanted to die before I met you, but somehow you taught me how to handle things.
You taught me how to handle myself, but I can't continue doing that without you.

I want to be pretty, really pretty. No, I want to be beautiful. Perfect looking, and get the best personality,  meet you again and ask '' Am I beautiful enough for you now?'' 

You would probably reject me over again, but at least then I could die pretty.

I am better off dead, far away from this so-called earth.

Angels will call on me

 I fall on my knees, tell me how I'm supposed to be
Explain to me where's my way to go
Don't tell me I should know
Cause my mind can't seem to make up its mind
Tell me why I feel so low

I fall on my knees, don't  try giving me advise
don't explain to me that this isn't the way to go
Don't tell me I should know better than this
Cause my mind can't seem to make up its mind
Tell me why I feel so low

My heartbeats don't want to pound anymore
angels will call on me and take me to my right home
My tired mind just want some rest, and I'm sure I'll have when they take me back home

I fall on my knees, you don't need to bother save me now
don't tell to me that this isn't the way to go
Don't tell me I should know better than this
Cause my mind can't seem to make up its mind
Tell me why I feel so low

It feels like danger will follow me everywhere I go
Soon angels will call on me and take me to my right home 

These eyes just want to stay closed

I can't see clearly
And I know that you can't hear me now

These eyes just want to stay closed

 http://www.rebeccacairns.com/

Moving on?

I am lying in my bed with my best friend sleeping beside me. … I pretend for myself that I have already moved on, and started to get over you, and that there was no decision left to take. I had decided to move on, and made it through.
 I began to cry, or I am crying now- only a tear here and there so don’t judge me too hard - over one person and one single person only. You.  I know for sure that I haven't gotten over you, but it can be good to pretend so for myself, when I feel I can manage to face reality when it comes.


I honestly don’t know what I will do if I never ever get to see you again. I would probably try to act normal, but like on everything else I do; I would fail. You meant a lot to me, and you still do... I know I don't mean a single thing to you. Probably never has neither, but you do to me, that's a fact. 

And the fact that I will be seeing you again pretty soon is killing me pretty much inside. I really don't wanna face you, at least not now. Its just all too soon, and hurtful right now.

Though you're the only person I really do want to talk to, and meet.
I really do, I just can't put myself through it.

Omegle ~

Letting go

''Letting go of someone is really hard for me. I get too attached. I can’t let go of someone who made me happy and made memories with. All the talking, the joking, smiles, laughters and just the person you got to know makes it all impossible to let go of. I think, that when I really start to care for a person, I could forgvie them/him/her for everything. It may seem easy to say but its really hard to do, and it mostly don't en well no matter what.
You didn’t talk to that person for nothing, but you sit there when it all came to an end and wonder if you should keep going because they don’t seem to realize how you even feel or how you stopped trying.You can't simply decide to keep in touch or let go completely. You hold yourself back.''

( http://kimmychuuux.tumblr.com/ )

Note to... all human beings

I know this one girl, this one special girl who suffer so much. Not more than others, maybe less than she think, but anyway I'm going to give this entry a shot, and try to make my opinions on certain things without letting my frustration destroy it all.

First of all; Love. In MY opinion you don't love a person after some minutes/hours, not even in days. I mean that love needs to get build up by time. Love is a word you really shouldn't just say here and there, to feel loved back.

Relationships; You should know a little bit about the person you are getting together with, before getting together with him/her. At least their name, and where they live.Not only get together with someone because they look good in a picture, or because you want to feel pretty or loved. Playing with peoples heart like that, is just simply wrong. 

Internet relationships; they get my full respect. I admire people who can manage to make the relationship go through a really long distance, and I have been in one myself, BUT internet relationships are just as serious as other relationships and you should really know the person before getting together with him/her, and just because '' oh he/her looked good in one picture'' or something like that.

Now we are getting to a story I have wanted to tell for a while. This happened some months ago, and I know I should been over it by now but my mind just can't seem to let it go.

I met this lovely, cute, and kind boy on the internet and he knew people I knew. He lived kinda close to me ( one and a half hour away). I talked to him a lot for a couple of days, and I soon noticed that he was a bit creepy. He could get very intimate, and ask more or less directly if I could show off for him on cam. Like take my clothes off and masturbate. He asked a lot in detail. Luckily for me, I knew better than doing what he told me, so I said no every time; So to clear this up, I did never show off for him, and I did never do anything sexual with this guy.

I am a person wanting to believe kind things about all people, until I get evidence on the opposite.
I thought like this ''Maybe he will listen to me if I say no if I meet him in real life?'' ''He can't do anything to me if we stay in public all the time?'' So I decided to go and meet him when he asked if I could.

Of course he didn't take no for an answer, and I said ''No, don't do that'' many times during that day.
He pulled me in to a toilet and tried to make me want to have sex with him, which I didn't want at all. This happened several times, until I took earliest bus I could home.

Some days later my friend started to talk to him too, and after they had talked for, how long? Three hours?, I get this text ''Oh my god I love him so much''
I was quick on asking who she meant, and she meant him. Of course she meant him..

I told her my experience with the guy, but she wouldn't listen. I told her exactly what he had told her the last hour, and what he came to tell her, and not least what I came to ask for; sooner or later.
And everything I said was right... But she loved him, and he loved her, right? So that didn't matter anymore.

Their little relationship lasted for about a week or so before she was going to visit him, but wasn't allowed and therefore couldn't go. They broke up, and she regretted everything she had said/shown to him.

I understand that people need to make their own experiences, but in cases like this; gawhd I wish she had listened.

Not because I felt backstabbed for what she did, that has passed, but because I know all too well how it hurts being broken in such vulnerable way, and how it feels like it will lever leave the body.


PLEASE; DON'T TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED. LOVE IS SOME SERIOUS STUFF WHICH NEEDS TO BE TREATED WELL. EVEN TROUGH DISTANCE. And please, for gods sake, listen if any of your friends tell you anything like this, or worse, don't fool that away.

In my somehow sad moment

In my somehow sad moment, like right now, my mind only circulate around one thing. Not a very important thing, but still it is something that makes me want to make it the day out without doing anything stupid.

I know she is only a baby, not my baby neither, but I can't really manage not to care for her.
I know that I don't know her yet, since she is just a little baby, but I kinda know that  really love her.
I know for sure that I won't be having much contact with her, since I barely have any contact with my brother.

Still, the thought of leaving her, all by herself in a world like this, it is something I can't manage. Tho the little contact I will have with her, I should enjoy the time that I get, and its not in her baby days I'm concerned, its her teenage years, and the years when she is about to grow up. Find herself.

I know my brother is a good father, I bet he is the best father a little girl like her could ever get.
He is so caring, kind, and lovely, and from what I get, he really do care about his family a lot. At least the other part of the family, but I still want to be alive, and to ''fallow'' her through life, and help her if she would get the courage to ask, or maybe courage her up to asking. I don't know.

I just don't want to leave her behind, to face the world alone.
Cause I know that there is a lot of things, just an ordinary girl like her, wouldn't have the courage to tell her parents about. Not because they wouldn't listen, or get angry.
Maybe simply because that's two people you you need to face everyday, which there is no escape from. And who would do anything in their power to help you, maybe just a teaspoon too much?

Anyway, I just felt for writing it down, like some sort of a reminder to myself.

Yepp, that's me and her. Isn't she just too adorabubble <3 ?

I wish there were something I could do, to change all of this to the better

I won't let you suffocate me

 This is a song I wrote in one of my more or less depressive moments. Buuuut it didn't turn out that bad, I think;

Take your beauty,
I'll live without it,
like I've done the years before, I met you

When you walked away
I couldn't ignore the fact that you were gone
forever this time
My eyes are dripping wet, of the crying

That's when I watched you seal your grave,
together with all your so called friends.
I tried to save you, still wanna make you smile
But you only let me drink the pain, alone

A final conversation, which ended quite too fast,
with only your decision as goal
but now you finally know
how things need to be

But, I'm not givin' up,
I won't let you suffocate me,
You said your hell is home
but I'll show you
That hell, can be just me.

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory

I've got my pride, but I ain't afraid to say;
How much I am missing you
How I am wanting you

 I'll never let you dig your grave alone

I'll be there for you
If you'll be needing me
I'll be helping you, through life and death
If I'm about to die I'll wish for you to be happy
I'll wish to be your guardian angel

I would guard you so well
I would use my words like weapons,
pierce them into you
make you slowly suffer
Like I had to, for you 

you are so self-righteous, you'll only have it your way,
but I'm still alive and my heart is still burning, pounding
only for you 

I'll make my prayer
to end it right away,
Cause that's what people do;
Making a prayer in their last moment
But this one’s more for you, than for me

A final conversation, which ended quite too fast,
with only your decision as goal
but now you finally know
how things need to be

But, I'm not givin' up,
I won't let you suffocate me,
You said your hell is home
but I'll show you
That hell, can be just me.

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory

You can’t steal my afterlife
You can’t steal my afterlife

But, I'm not givin' up,
I won't let you suffocate me,
You said your hell is home
but I'll show you
That hell, can be just me.

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory, to me

A lost dream of happiness

My ex-boyfriend

Hai, I'll try make this short cause I don't want to whine or anything about this, and yes, this is a very personal post to publish, but I felt for telling/sharing that my -boyfriend- broke up with me a while ago, or not a while ago. Some weeks ago is more correct.
I won't talk crap about him, or say his name. I just felt for letting this out, and to write it seemed like an good idea.

I know he will never read this post, but I assume he knows how I feel. We still talk, which is good, but I have been too scared to really face him yet, but I'll get through that. Because I can't really stand losing him more than I already have.

The case is that I still love him very much, and probably will for a while, if not always as it feels like right now.
Aaanygay, I'm not mad at him, cause I would have done the same if i were him. I can understand and I just appreciate that he told me truth in the end, and I care about him a lot. He is one of the greatest, if not the greatest human being-s- I've met in my life, and I feel that I've learned so much from him.

It was first when I got to knew him I really managed to see and feel true happiness, and pain.
But how can you make a rainbow without a little rain, huh?
He taught me so much, and he means so much to me, even though everything we have gone through together.

To be honest; If I got one wish right now, I think I would have wished for him to be happy. The thought of wishing him back to me, would have been triggering, but no. If he wasn't happy, its not worth it if I would have been.
I guess he just wasn't as happy with me as I was with him, and then the point kinda .. disappears.

So if he only gets happy, and find that one person who really can make him. That would of course tear me apart, a bit, but I think that in the end I would have been happy. In my last moment, I think I would have managed to be happy for him, and just thought ''oh you lucky little bastard, you got her at last''

I kinda just wanted to make this post to get out some of my feelings after the break-up. Not to put any hate toward him or anything. Just to tell the truth and say that, I'm not mad, and I still care, and I want to manage to be happy for him, no matter what. And I hope I can manage to support him somehow.

"Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

                                                   -  David Foster Wallace

The beauty of the dark ( poem )

The beauty of the dark, is the beauty of your mind
The beauty of the light, is the beauty of your smile
I lay awake every night, trying to fall asleep, but I am to tense
Nightmares blocks my thoughts,

If only you could see what's real in me,
see how I've been changed through this time
Hiding all my dark behind the moon, just so you won't see

If you could see the ugly, crazy, insane things I do,
You would probably asked me why,
and I would reply ''I do it so I can breath easier''
Hunted down by my own shadow, a shock of light could save me for one night
a message from you could brighten up my day, perhaps a whole week

You are my moon
shining through the dark, gazing the stars
embraced in my pain in vain

Look what I have become
A crazy little creature, but through it all
Love is the biggest insanity of them all~

[ I have taken this picture myself, and edited it, please do not copy it or use it; Thanks ]

Your love ~

This is also a poem I wrote when I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. I changed it a bit while reading through it, but not that much to be honest. Perhaps not as much as I should have done, but here goes, its almost like the original so yah ~

You pull me down to the ground
free me from these chains that keeps me down
let me fly into the skies
where angels sings (in glory)

You are my sanctuary
My one and only shrine
So dazzlingly to me 

When I reach out my hand to you,
would you hold it close to you
without feeling of defilement

In my darkest days I find hope in you
As long as you exist
my hope to reach you will never be shattered or broken in to pieces
You can come to me whenever, I'll skip whatever it takes
Without you, I've got nothing to lose

My biggest wish is to be poured down by your love
I will do anything for you, my beloved destiny
I will glitter forever for you, even when I fall into the deepest
Covered by the moonlight silver, falling down on the chest of your broken promises
My blood is pouring out
Let the vampires take care of the rest ~

This is a poem I wrote when I was thirteen, I found it just now at my old laptop and decided that I wanted to share it with you ^^ 
It doesn't have any exact title, but It'll come (:

The skies look so peaceful

like there really exists a heaven

like an unbeliever I should think;  no god can help me out of this

but it's the only hope I've got;

Praying to something I have never even seen

maybe in my dreams with my eyes closed, but not awake

They can't help me with what I fear;

but how can I know, when I don't know how it would feel like, if they weren't there at all

If my God exist, how could I know what I would've done without

I choose to keep my hope to survive

I choose to believe in myself and some sort of a God

Bury me in my God's name, but not in a church

I don't belong there, not at all

My God's paradise can't be copied and paste

Not to a world such as this one

We don't really deserve the feeling of his closeness

Let Him decide himself when he wants to light us through our darkest days

I've always closed myself into the darkest of my dreams.

When I fall to sleep, I always leave the light on

Believe it or not;

I'm still afraid the monsters under my bed

Childish to you perhaps,

but I've seen them for years

Mostly they're not mean, but I'm still afraid

Afraid for what I don't know, and what I can't seem to understand ~

[ This picure is taken and edited by me, please don't steal it; Thanks ^^ ]

Hiii everyone =^w^=

Haii, my name is Malin and at this blog I'm going to post  bit of my past writing, and some of what I write now. It can be poems or songs, or a combination of those two, or just... a normal post made up by my life and happenings~

Soo yah, if you find intrest in my life, keep fallowing this blog 

 ~ I promise you, you won't regret it :'D