I want to be pretty

I've never felt pretty. I tried everything, and I am still trying out things which can make me feel a bit.. prettier?
When I met you it was love at first sigh, from my side at least.
Since I met you my love for you have just grown bigger and bigger each day, even now when it's completely over.
I made you in to a  savior, which was what you were to me,
But I guess you never really wanted such position, though you wore it so well.
You fit it perfectly.
You really did make me happy, and I have absolutely no explanation on why.

I kept the photographs of you close to me wherever I went, on my bedside or in my pocket, even in my cellphone, so I could feel that you were with me everyday when we weren't together.
I didn't know much then, that I soon was going to let my sanity drip away from me bit by bit.

I saw the girls you spoke to, so pretty -unlike me. They were perfect.
I'd say ''hi'' to you everyday, and ask how you were doing.
I though that was what a person needed. Caring. I didn't understand it could be too much.
And you would leave be unnoticed.

You didn't really care at all, did you?
You just let me create the fake illusion that you did.

You wanted perfection all along the road, and that was what I tried to give you, though I failed.
I accepted so much. I did so much for you.
I would set heaven and hell on fire for something you wanted.
But in the end you weren't what I thought at all, I realized all the broken promises and the lies you kept telling me.

You told me we had lost it all, and I sat left with the opposite feeling.
The feelings of that we still could have saved it, our relationship.
I felt we could go through fire and ice together. Move mountains.
But it was me that could move the mountains, not you.

I felt, and still feel that a part of me is gone. You were like a soulmate to me. My other half.

The Greeks believe that God cut the human in half's and that the two half's have to find each other.
I feel that you're my other half, and how are you supposed to function when you have met and lost your other half? I feel that my reason to live is gone.
I wanted to die before I met you, but somehow you taught me how to handle things.
You taught me how to handle myself, but I can't continue doing that without you.

I want to be pretty, really pretty. No, I want to be beautiful. Perfect looking, and get the best personality,  meet you again and ask '' Am I beautiful enough for you now?'' 

You would probably reject me over again, but at least then I could die pretty.

I am better off dead, far away from this so-called earth.

Angels will call on me

 I fall on my knees, tell me how I'm supposed to be
Explain to me where's my way to go
Don't tell me I should know
Cause my mind can't seem to make up its mind
Tell me why I feel so low

I fall on my knees, don't  try giving me advise
don't explain to me that this isn't the way to go
Don't tell me I should know better than this
Cause my mind can't seem to make up its mind
Tell me why I feel so low

My heartbeats don't want to pound anymore
angels will call on me and take me to my right home
My tired mind just want some rest, and I'm sure I'll have when they take me back home

I fall on my knees, you don't need to bother save me now
don't tell to me that this isn't the way to go
Don't tell me I should know better than this
Cause my mind can't seem to make up its mind
Tell me why I feel so low

It feels like danger will follow me everywhere I go
Soon angels will call on me and take me to my right home 

These eyes just want to stay closed

I can't see clearly
And I know that you can't hear me now

These eyes just want to stay closed

 http://www.rebeccacairns.com/

Moving on?

I am lying in my bed with my best friend sleeping beside me. … I pretend for myself that I have already moved on, and started to get over you, and that there was no decision left to take. I had decided to move on, and made it through.
 I began to cry, or I am crying now- only a tear here and there so don’t judge me too hard - over one person and one single person only. You.  I know for sure that I haven't gotten over you, but it can be good to pretend so for myself, when I feel I can manage to face reality when it comes.


I honestly don’t know what I will do if I never ever get to see you again. I would probably try to act normal, but like on everything else I do; I would fail. You meant a lot to me, and you still do... I know I don't mean a single thing to you. Probably never has neither, but you do to me, that's a fact. 

And the fact that I will be seeing you again pretty soon is killing me pretty much inside. I really don't wanna face you, at least not now. Its just all too soon, and hurtful right now.

Though you're the only person I really do want to talk to, and meet.
I really do, I just can't put myself through it.

Omegle ~

Letting go

''Letting go of someone is really hard for me. I get too attached. I can’t let go of someone who made me happy and made memories with. All the talking, the joking, smiles, laughters and just the person you got to know makes it all impossible to let go of. I think, that when I really start to care for a person, I could forgvie them/him/her for everything. It may seem easy to say but its really hard to do, and it mostly don't en well no matter what.
You didn’t talk to that person for nothing, but you sit there when it all came to an end and wonder if you should keep going because they don’t seem to realize how you even feel or how you stopped trying.You can't simply decide to keep in touch or let go completely. You hold yourself back.''

( http://kimmychuuux.tumblr.com/ )

Note to... all human beings

I know this one girl, this one special girl who suffer so much. Not more than others, maybe less than she think, but anyway I'm going to give this entry a shot, and try to make my opinions on certain things without letting my frustration destroy it all.

First of all; Love. In MY opinion you don't love a person after some minutes/hours, not even in days. I mean that love needs to get build up by time. Love is a word you really shouldn't just say here and there, to feel loved back.

Relationships; You should know a little bit about the person you are getting together with, before getting together with him/her. At least their name, and where they live.Not only get together with someone because they look good in a picture, or because you want to feel pretty or loved. Playing with peoples heart like that, is just simply wrong. 

Internet relationships; they get my full respect. I admire people who can manage to make the relationship go through a really long distance, and I have been in one myself, BUT internet relationships are just as serious as other relationships and you should really know the person before getting together with him/her, and just because '' oh he/her looked good in one picture'' or something like that.

Now we are getting to a story I have wanted to tell for a while. This happened some months ago, and I know I should been over it by now but my mind just can't seem to let it go.

I met this lovely, cute, and kind boy on the internet and he knew people I knew. He lived kinda close to me ( one and a half hour away). I talked to him a lot for a couple of days, and I soon noticed that he was a bit creepy. He could get very intimate, and ask more or less directly if I could show off for him on cam. Like take my clothes off and masturbate. He asked a lot in detail. Luckily for me, I knew better than doing what he told me, so I said no every time; So to clear this up, I did never show off for him, and I did never do anything sexual with this guy.

I am a person wanting to believe kind things about all people, until I get evidence on the opposite.
I thought like this ''Maybe he will listen to me if I say no if I meet him in real life?'' ''He can't do anything to me if we stay in public all the time?'' So I decided to go and meet him when he asked if I could.

Of course he didn't take no for an answer, and I said ''No, don't do that'' many times during that day.
He pulled me in to a toilet and tried to make me want to have sex with him, which I didn't want at all. This happened several times, until I took earliest bus I could home.

Some days later my friend started to talk to him too, and after they had talked for, how long? Three hours?, I get this text ''Oh my god I love him so much''
I was quick on asking who she meant, and she meant him. Of course she meant him..

I told her my experience with the guy, but she wouldn't listen. I told her exactly what he had told her the last hour, and what he came to tell her, and not least what I came to ask for; sooner or later.
And everything I said was right... But she loved him, and he loved her, right? So that didn't matter anymore.

Their little relationship lasted for about a week or so before she was going to visit him, but wasn't allowed and therefore couldn't go. They broke up, and she regretted everything she had said/shown to him.

I understand that people need to make their own experiences, but in cases like this; gawhd I wish she had listened.

Not because I felt backstabbed for what she did, that has passed, but because I know all too well how it hurts being broken in such vulnerable way, and how it feels like it will lever leave the body.


PLEASE; DON'T TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED. LOVE IS SOME SERIOUS STUFF WHICH NEEDS TO BE TREATED WELL. EVEN TROUGH DISTANCE. And please, for gods sake, listen if any of your friends tell you anything like this, or worse, don't fool that away.

In my somehow sad moment

In my somehow sad moment, like right now, my mind only circulate around one thing. Not a very important thing, but still it is something that makes me want to make it the day out without doing anything stupid.

I know she is only a baby, not my baby neither, but I can't really manage not to care for her.
I know that I don't know her yet, since she is just a little baby, but I kinda know that  really love her.
I know for sure that I won't be having much contact with her, since I barely have any contact with my brother.

Still, the thought of leaving her, all by herself in a world like this, it is something I can't manage. Tho the little contact I will have with her, I should enjoy the time that I get, and its not in her baby days I'm concerned, its her teenage years, and the years when she is about to grow up. Find herself.

I know my brother is a good father, I bet he is the best father a little girl like her could ever get.
He is so caring, kind, and lovely, and from what I get, he really do care about his family a lot. At least the other part of the family, but I still want to be alive, and to ''fallow'' her through life, and help her if she would get the courage to ask, or maybe courage her up to asking. I don't know.

I just don't want to leave her behind, to face the world alone.
Cause I know that there is a lot of things, just an ordinary girl like her, wouldn't have the courage to tell her parents about. Not because they wouldn't listen, or get angry.
Maybe simply because that's two people you you need to face everyday, which there is no escape from. And who would do anything in their power to help you, maybe just a teaspoon too much?

Anyway, I just felt for writing it down, like some sort of a reminder to myself.

Yepp, that's me and her. Isn't she just too adorabubble <3 ?

I wish there were something I could do, to change all of this to the better

I won't let you suffocate me

 This is a song I wrote in one of my more or less depressive moments. Buuuut it didn't turn out that bad, I think;

Take your beauty,
I'll live without it,
like I've done the years before, I met you

When you walked away
I couldn't ignore the fact that you were gone
forever this time
My eyes are dripping wet, of the crying

That's when I watched you seal your grave,
together with all your so called friends.
I tried to save you, still wanna make you smile
But you only let me drink the pain, alone

A final conversation, which ended quite too fast,
with only your decision as goal
but now you finally know
how things need to be

But, I'm not givin' up,
I won't let you suffocate me,
You said your hell is home
but I'll show you
That hell, can be just me.

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory

I've got my pride, but I ain't afraid to say;
How much I am missing you
How I am wanting you

 I'll never let you dig your grave alone

I'll be there for you
If you'll be needing me
I'll be helping you, through life and death
If I'm about to die I'll wish for you to be happy
I'll wish to be your guardian angel

I would guard you so well
I would use my words like weapons,
pierce them into you
make you slowly suffer
Like I had to, for you 

you are so self-righteous, you'll only have it your way,
but I'm still alive and my heart is still burning, pounding
only for you 

I'll make my prayer
to end it right away,
Cause that's what people do;
Making a prayer in their last moment
But this one’s more for you, than for me

A final conversation, which ended quite too fast,
with only your decision as goal
but now you finally know
how things need to be

But, I'm not givin' up,
I won't let you suffocate me,
You said your hell is home
but I'll show you
That hell, can be just me.

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory

You can’t steal my afterlife
You can’t steal my afterlife

But, I'm not givin' up,
I won't let you suffocate me,
You said your hell is home
but I'll show you
That hell, can be just me.

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory

I don't owe you anything, I am aware of that
You'll die in a dream forgotten, you’ll fade away
Just like a dead memory, to me

A lost dream of happiness

My ex-boyfriend

Hai, I'll try make this short cause I don't want to whine or anything about this, and yes, this is a very personal post to publish, but I felt for telling/sharing that my -boyfriend- broke up with me a while ago, or not a while ago. Some weeks ago is more correct.
I won't talk crap about him, or say his name. I just felt for letting this out, and to write it seemed like an good idea.

I know he will never read this post, but I assume he knows how I feel. We still talk, which is good, but I have been too scared to really face him yet, but I'll get through that. Because I can't really stand losing him more than I already have.

The case is that I still love him very much, and probably will for a while, if not always as it feels like right now.
Aaanygay, I'm not mad at him, cause I would have done the same if i were him. I can understand and I just appreciate that he told me truth in the end, and I care about him a lot. He is one of the greatest, if not the greatest human being-s- I've met in my life, and I feel that I've learned so much from him.

It was first when I got to knew him I really managed to see and feel true happiness, and pain.
But how can you make a rainbow without a little rain, huh?
He taught me so much, and he means so much to me, even though everything we have gone through together.

To be honest; If I got one wish right now, I think I would have wished for him to be happy. The thought of wishing him back to me, would have been triggering, but no. If he wasn't happy, its not worth it if I would have been.
I guess he just wasn't as happy with me as I was with him, and then the point kinda .. disappears.

So if he only gets happy, and find that one person who really can make him. That would of course tear me apart, a bit, but I think that in the end I would have been happy. In my last moment, I think I would have managed to be happy for him, and just thought ''oh you lucky little bastard, you got her at last''

I kinda just wanted to make this post to get out some of my feelings after the break-up. Not to put any hate toward him or anything. Just to tell the truth and say that, I'm not mad, and I still care, and I want to manage to be happy for him, no matter what. And I hope I can manage to support him somehow.

"Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

                                                   -  David Foster Wallace